


I'll See You When I Fall Asleep

by mrsmischief



Category: Marvel (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Brothers, Character Death, Death, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Sad
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-30
Updated: 2013-08-30
Packaged: 2017-12-25 03:11:20
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 665
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/947941
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mrsmischief/pseuds/mrsmischief
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Thor thinks of Loki. Set right after the end of the film "Thor". Sad stuff.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I'll See You When I Fall Asleep

I never thought I could live without you. Truly, it never even occurred to me that it could happen. Whenever I pictured our deaths (which was rare enough on its own), it was always side by side, in battle. Never separately, never alone. Just like we had been all our lives; together. Two sons of Odin, two princes of Asgard. _Brothers._

And now, I find I was wrong. We are alone, each of us forever separate from the other. You are never coming back home. And I can live. Barely, but still, I live.

After each corner I turn I expect to see you, all footsteps I hear sounds like yours. Hardly a moment goes by without my mind imagining you, laughing at someone's jest or drinking the last glass of wine with me as we dine. I keep expecting you to come back, to declare this was just another one of your tricks, another game. I would not even be angry, I would laugh with you, so relieved to see you and that wide grin on your face again and to know that you were not... dead.

But it will not happen. It has not, and it will not, I know it. And yet... I still cannot believe that you are gone forever. It seems impossible; after over a millennia together, how could you be... gone? Dead? _Gods do not die._

So I used to believe.

Now, I am starting to believe otherwise. I am starting to believe that not only can gods be killed, but that it is not just battle or physical damage can kill us.

I am starting to believe gods can die from broken heart.

I have mourned you, brother, more than anyone else. I miss you more than I can bear, and even though we had our differences, no one was ever more dear to me than you. There is a space in my mind, in my life, in my _heart_ , a space you left empty. I do not think it can be filled again. I will, until my own end, be a man with a hollow ache in his soul.

Couldn't you come back, brother? Find a way, and return to me. Perhaps you would be different, perhaps you would not be the man and brother I knew, but still... It would not change anything. I would love you, just like I loved you before. You are my brother, my other half, and nothing can change that. Not even death.

The golden halls of Asgard feel emptier now, quieter and gloomier. I have my new responsibilities, my duties as a King, and I long for nothing more than for you to be here, to share it all with me. The power, the worries, the feasts. Just how we used to - everything that was mine was yours, too.

I would give it all away without a moment's hesitation if that would bring you back.  

Sometimes I wonder where you are now. Are you happier there? Do you miss me as much as I miss you? Do you... do you even exist anymore?

I will never know, not until it is my time to go. Then, perhaps, I will join you, brother, and it will be like it used to be. Just us. Brothers again, never apart anymore.

For now, I will just have to go on, face each new day without you. It is starting to hurt less, the agony doesn't twist my heart so hard anymore. What is left is the bittersweet longing, the memories of you, and the almost ghostlike presence I imagine with me. I know you're not there, but sometimes it feels like you are. The ghost of the Loki I knew, lingering on the edges of my consciousness.

The only time I feel comfort is at night, in my cold bed. I lie down, and when I close my eyes, I smile. I smile because I know.

_I'll see you when I fall asleep._

 


End file.
